Baller Bait.

I really don’t know when it dawned on me, for the very first time, that auto manufacturers created certain cars with Negroes firmly in mind.

I can definitely tell you when I last had that thought, however: Wednesday, about 4:45 pm. That was shortly after I opened mentor Ray Winbush‘s e-mail, containing a sole line—”I want one of these…”—and a link to Conquest Vehicles web site. There, the Toronto-based firm was more than happy to tell a body everything they would possibly want to know about the marque’s $310,000-base priced, fully-armored Hummer humiliator, the Knight XV, above.

First of all, as the above photo makes clear, I’m not talking off the cuff when I invoke the name of the heretofore indomitable Hummer. In this side-by-side comparison, the Knight XV makes the Hummer H2 look like some sort of hideous Japanese subcompact. The effect is so startling that one’s first, unconscious thought is the image has to be some kind of optical illusion. Perhaps this is what they mean when the company calls their massive whip “a journey for the eyes.” Conquest Vehicles argues that their Knight XV

defines the future of the ultra-luxurious, handcrafted fully armoured SUV. This one-of-a-kind, V10, 6.8-litre, Bio-fuel powered SUV was inspired by the Gurkha military vehicle (built by Armet Armored Vehicles Ltd.) and features security appointments that are unrivaled in today’s SUV marketplace. The production of the KNIGHT XV will be limited to 100 vehicles.

The pitch closes with the only really relevant question:

Are you ready to be Knighted?

Riiight. In any event, the specs on this truck—and it is a truck, “built on a super duty specially modified Ford chassis platform (making parts and service easily accessible globally)”—are mind-blowing: Height: Over eight feet. Width: Nearly eight feet. Length: Twenty feet. Finished vehicle weight: Six tons.

Plus, as you’d expect on a ride that’ll set you back at least three Woodrow Wilsons and a Salmon P. Chase, the options package is sumptuous, sick, and deep, filled with leather, wool, and pricey digital bionics.

Things get a little weird, though, shortly after that. As Conquest just a little too eagerly reminds you, “The KNIGHT XV is an armoured vehicle and not a vehicle that has been armored. This means that unlike most vehicles that are armoured after-market, the KNIGHT XV is manufactured using military-grade armouring materials.”

Well, like the guy updating his will, that’s what we’re here for. Not only does Conquest’s security and armoring section reassure that “Ballistic penetration testing is in accordance with Armet’s Quality Control Standards,” or that “Armet tests at a range of 5 metres, using factory ammunition that has been weighed prior to firing to ensure that it meets the required norms,” but they also include a pdf—shown partially, above—so you can get a gander at all the bullets the XV stops, should your so-called friends decide they wanna carjack you for fun and profit.

Not only will I bet you one of these that 50 Cent will buy two, but I’ll up you the security package of your choice that an XV makes an appearance in his next video game. The point being, I guess, that, like the rest of us, ballers want bait, but they don’t want to be bait. That goes doubly when you’ve already been shot nine times. As Mobb Deep notes, those slugs hurt.