I Can’t Believe the News Has Officially Been Chopped and Screwed.

It’s no secret that Katie Couric, above, had some serious problems with the ratings when she took over the CBS Evening News in 2006. For a couple of years, there, her future didn’t look good, and management reportedly started speaking in low tones about pulling the plug on her broadcast.

But that was until she triumphantly body-slammed Republican VP hopeful Sarah Palin in September 2008, with a series of interviews that almost certainly helped nominee John McCain lose the November election, that boosted Couric’s viewers by millions, and that proved she was not to be messed with.

So: Where do you go from there? You go where Hillary Clinton, FOX’s Sean Hannity, CNN’s Kiran Chetry, and The Washington Post‘s Ruth Marcus have all gone: With Auto-Tune, the so-called “T-Pain/Cher-style” vocal processing technology that’s sweeping the nation.

In this absurd and brainy bit of genius, “Auto-Tune the News #2,” below, by The Gregory Brothers, and featuring Michael and Andrew Gregory, Couric, her voice melodically filtered, like the others, to maximum effect, delivers a cautionary report on global warming so heartbreaking…yet smooth, you’ll want environmental change and a Henny. That’s some relevant news, girl. And for your reading pleasure, we’ve provided lyrics, below. Ah, yeah: You’ve been fully informed…and screwed.

Ruth Marcus: Perhaps the Constitution envisions certain one-size-fits-all solutions…
Michael and Andrew Gregory: BORRRING!
Andrew Gregory: I hear a foghorn…BORRING!
RM: …the legislature override a gubernatorial veto.
AG: You’re as boring as a…
Michael Gregory: I’m not feeling any romance between us right now.
You gotta do it like this…

MG: Shawty! Ready, set, go!
RM: This was a pretty remarkable week on the gay marriage front
First of all, to have a state like Iowa
MG: Whatchoo tryna say about Iowa?
RM: Not a East coast state
MG: East coast
RM: Not a West coast state
MG: West coast
RM: In a decision written by a Republican appointee
MG: Shawty, now you sounding so fine
Give me your number, we can bump and grind
Talkin’ about politics all night
Leavin’ the club in the mornin’ light
If we get carried away
(The mornin’ light…)
We might get gay-married today

Kiran Chetry: We just heard from some of our viewers who strongly support legalizing marijuana
MG: Shawty: Five of those calls was from me
KC: Do you think we should legalize pot alone or all drugs, including heroin, cocaine, and meth?
MG: My brain says no, but my body says yes!

Angry Gorilla: I’m an angry gorilla. I heard you needed me (ooh ooh ah ah)
Sean Hannity: Now that Captain Richards Phillips has been successfully rescued, the President has decided to step in front of the spotlight
AG: Ooh, I’m angry! You can’t see it, but my forehead’s veiny
SH: And even take some credit for authorizing the mission
AG: Well, don’t you worry, baby boo
You’ll always have an angry gorilla to be angry with you
That’s what I do. Just ask Donkey Kong: He’s in my crew

KC: At the North Pole, new satellite photos show arctic ice is melting so fast
AG: Oh snap, how fast?
KC: Many scientists now predict it will be gone within 30 years
AG: Surely you jest! I’m under cardiac arrest, shawty!
KC: Some researchers think it could disappear in just six
AG: Shit!
KC: Without it there could be a snowball effect
AG: Oh…
KC: With temperatures rising even faster
If we all don’t take bold action and take it soon
AG: Yeah,
Both: We will find ourselves on very thin ice
AG: Very thin ice…
KC: Very thin ice…
Both: Very thin ice…

MG: Tell em, Hillary, pirates on very thin ice
HC: These pirates are criminals
They are armed gangs on the sea
MG: That means the ocean
HC: The United States
Both: Does not make concessions
Or ransom payments to pirates…

(Phone rings)
MG: Embarrasing. Sorry, guys.
Uh, sorry. I’ve…I, I’ve gotta take this.

MG: Hello, shawty, we can meet up at the mall
(At the mall)
Browse around in the bookstore
Mentally ball until we fall

MG: Love you too, Grandmum.
Uh, sorry…uh, any other questions?
Um, anyone wanna buy drugs…from me?

MG: Auto-Tune the news! (Auto-Tune!)
Auto-Tune the news! (Auto-Tune!)
Everything sounds better…Auto-Tuned!!