I Finally Get Why My Wife Hates TV/Movie Car Chases.

The new Knight Rider aired Sunday evening, updating the original David Hasselhoff ’80s TV show for the year 2000, while retaining the original premise. You remember: Michael Knight—here, Mike Tracer (Ooo!)—equipped with an ultra-advanced talking automobile as his primary weapon, roams the highways and byways, fighting crime.

Oh, to be a 14-year-old boy, again.

There’s a rhythm to hour-long, episodic television that’s always been there, I’m sure, but that, for some reason, I really started noticing while watching Grey’s Anatomy. It goes as follows:

1. Characters mouth jargon for ten seconds, or do something hardcore and technical.

2. Somehow, this leads them to start yapping about their personal lives.

3. Something dramatic happens, and they panic, or get angry.

4. Repeat for 60 minutes.

At least, on Grey’s, they’re yapping over O.R. surgery, which can look interesting. On the D.O.A. Knight Rider, their half-sentences are uttered over day-for-night backgrounds while the car drives itself. So, you’re basically seeing two people, seated, giving each other meaningful looks. Car chases are boring.

I wouldn’t even be writing about this “original movie event,” two-hour Ford infomercial were it not for one little joke. (Well, supercar KITT asking Mike, “Are you a homosexual?”, while flashing stills from a Pride march and the universal gay couple sign on its flatscreen was kinda funny, but that’s not it.)

Turns out the reason for the the episode’s shenanigans is a certain “global security corporation” wants to steal “Prometheus.” That’s the advanced artificial intelligence which KITT’s creator made for the Pentagon’s new defensive network, and which the sports car shares.

The name of the rogue company?

BlackRiver.

I kid you not. (Though, weird as things are in America, hopefully I won’t have to eat my words when it turns out the real Blackwater rigged the 2008 election.)

Needless to say, the episode ends with the inevitable Hasselhoff cameo. Of course, surprise, he’s actually Mike’s long-lost father, which kind of makes him like Speed Racer‘s Racer X, only not as cool.

“Hey, Michael: Am I going to see you again?”, the new Mike asks, while daddy walks away.

Parting glance with a rugged smirk. “I hope so.”

Yeah, but you’re the only one, Hoff. Prediction: In 15 minutes, they’ll be filling Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles‘ supply closet with KITT’s and Bionic Woman‘s leftover parts. Nighty-night!