Rihanna’s “Umbrella” Pants?

I think part of why I so dig Go Fug Yourself is that, while I love fashion—the creativity of it—I detest the fashion business. I detest the hype and flakiness of what surrounds the marketing of apparel.

I detest listening to women on TV talk in that breezy way they do about the “shapes” that are “in” “this year” or “this season,” and the color that “everyone’s going crazy for.”

Why? When I think about it, what I most dislike about that way of speaking is that it lacks precision. It sounds like someone trying to sway people with words they’re making up on the fly, hoping that the audience won’t catch on by the time that they’re done.

It’s like, for example, the way some musicians will say, “Yeah, man, everything’s cool and laid back. I’m just rollin’, man. (Big smile lights up his face.) Takin’ it easy.”

Huh?

Fashion talk sounds like someone counting that people will not do exactly what people tend not to do in groups or around “experts”: Ask a direct question.

Really: Mint is in this season? Wasn’t cantaloupe in last season? Well, what happened to cantaloupe? It’s out? How did that happen? Like, what was the last day it was in…and then what happened? What do I do with all that cantaloupe-colored crap I bought? Will they take it back, in trade for mint? Do you think mint is going to go out? If so, shouldn’t I shore up, now, on whatever is going to replace mint? Also, who is deciding all of this nonsense, anyway? If they really just wanted to make women feel insecure and drive them crazy, what would they do differently?

And on and on and on and on, proving the number one rule in art and entertainment: No one knows anything. Most movies crash and burn. Most CDs flop. Most TV shows vanish. Most clothes get sold off at discount. Bear Sterns went bust. Most people thought hip-hop was a fad.

Yet, despite the hype and ignorance attendant to it, around the world, 10 million little girls want to be like Rihanna, who, as far as I can tell, is pretty much just barely a little girl, and really has nothing to tell them, or about which to advise them. That outfit, above, or the one, below, should prove that.

Speaking of whom: You know what my favorite moment with Rihanna was, recently? Every time Chris Brown was asked if they were a couple and, instead of manning up and saying, “Yes, we are,” he would go, “No…we’re just friends…”—that weak, milquetoast word—and Rihanna said nothing, but her expression said everything.

In other words, despite her fame or beauty, she was just like every woman who, under similar circumstances, keeps thinking that, “If I play along with this a little bit longer, he’s going to pick me.”

What a sucky state of affairs.

I don’t look down on her for putting up with this, but I hope every young girl out there sees this—fashion, “romance,” all the “hype” arts— for what they are.

Probably won’t happen, though.