Is it me, or does former Presidential candidate John Edwards’ paramour, Rielle Hunter, above, give off a certain, I dunno, trashy, ‘coon-eatin’ vibe in her decidedly un-erotic pictures for Gentleman’s Quarterly?
According to Barbara Walters, on today’s The View, Hunter called the doyenne aghast and in tears over her own photos. (This despite footage released by the artist, Mark Seliger, showing Hunter enjoying the shoot and the images.)
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In a move that many in the magazine world called unprecedented, GQ today recalled the entire print run of its new issue after a photo spread featuring John Edwards mistress Rielle Hunter was found to cause nausea and in some cases projectile vomiting.
“We at GQ want our readers to know that we are doing everything in our power to avert a public health catastrophe,” said magazine spokesperson Carol Foyler. “And if that means tracking down every last copy of those Rielle Hunter pictures [right] and destroying them, that’s what we’re going to do.”
As emergency rooms across the country overflowed with people who had unwittingly opened the latest GQ and seen the Hunter photos, fresh concerns were raised over the existence of a John Edwards-Rielle Hunter sex tape.
Rand Deckle, press spokesman for the National Institutes of Health, issued this statement on the matter: “Given the health crisis that the Rielle Hunter photos have created, it is imperative that every copy of that sex tape be secured and buried in the center of the Earth.”
I’m tellin’ you that they…wait…no…Bobby!! Put DOWN that DVD!! DO NOT PRESS “PLAY”!!!!!
Last week on MEDIA ASSASSIN, I did a brief analysis of Tiger Woods’ press conference apology. Though, admittedly, Woods’ recitation of his written statement was wooden and lacked warmth, I judged that, in his words, he took appropriate responsibility for what he’d done, and spoke to the need for personal change.
Well, boy was I wrong! As this piece of video from the event reveals, above, there was more to Tiger’s talk than meets the eye or ear. Wow. How did he fool us all again?
Old Spice, the legendary men’s grooming products company, should give Wieden + Kennedy, their current ad agency, a massive raise.
You may know W+K as the immaculately creative shop that, for all intent and purposes, invented Nike as a brand. Now, they’ve delivered a series of commercials which make the decrepit, aforementioned manufacturer of shaving powder actually seem hip again.
Brothers, I’m talkin’ to you: Is there a special someone that, this Valentine’s Day, you want to completely knock off her feet?
If so…I can’t help you.
But if you wanna blow her off the planet, I’m your man.
Check this out: I talked to my personal florist, Calyx & Corolla, and, if your plastic is the right color, they’re ’bout to hook you up.
How would your girl feel walking into a cubicle stuffed stupid with, not a dozen, not two dozen but, 1,000 red roses?
Lemme put it to you this way:
Fulfill her wildest dreams with the most extravagant, most passionate, most romantic Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever sent – 1,000 roses (that’s more than 80 dozen)! Every corner of the room will be blooming with the richest, most radiant, long-stemmed red roses she’s ever seen. And to make the day even more romantic, we will also include the petals of another dozen roses. Use them to create a path to the 1,000 Roses surprise, or sprinkle them on the bed or in a candlelit bath for two. She’ll LOVE it, and we guarantee it will be a Valentine’s Day neither of you will ever forget.
“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.
“Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
“But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.
“Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.
“I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.”
Hey: Did you ever lie awake at night and wonder, “What would it feel like to be Ice-T’s wife, Nicole ‘Coco‘ Austin: Lying on the beach, getting a tan, and looking at the world from between my ginormous, saltwater-filled ta-tas?”
I know I sure have. That’s why I was so startled when the cello-esque Coco, right—nude model, actor, and dancer—posted this disconcerting POV shot, above, on Twitter:
This is my view when I tan. Honestly, my boobs don’t look this big, it has to do w/the cameras perception
Well, Coco, they do say the camera adds ten pounds.
(Also, I just noticed another odd optical illusion: Coco says that her jugs are fake while her butt is real. But if you take the above right photo, then scroll down and cut it off just above the small of her back, it looks like the neck and cleavage of a woman with implants. Weird.)
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve known Ice-T, right, casually, for years, have met his lovely wife, and she’s quite sweet. In fact, in the YouTube, below, Ice talks about the moment he first saw the woman he’d eventually marry.
What’s most striking about his description of the events, though, is the utterly un-baller way their chance meeting proceeds. I mean, telling her how beautiful she is? Magic tricks? Playa….
But, then, on the other hand, it worked, right? Who’s to argue with breas…er, I mean success?
Videogames are getting more and more life-like. In this Japanese TV ad, below, for the upcoming Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2, out here September 29th for the Playstation 3, gamers get a look at one character’s stunning new moves.
That is, the fast food chain would have us believe, with the ad, they’re only marketing “a toasted tower of juicy steak and melted cheese, topped with peppers, onions, and spicy chipotle southwest sauce,” right.
But check out the positioning and angle of the sandwiches between their open legs—which never changes—the lighting, and even the “circumcised cut” at the exposed end of the bread.
Plus, follow the dialogue, as two pinnacles of Black masculine physicality trade locker room talk about how “big” the meaty cylinder between their legs is. One almost gets the indelicate impression that Doctor’s Associates, Subway’s parent company, is selling more than sustenance. Hey: It wouldn’t be the first time.
“How big is it?, asks Subway. You decide. Watch the ad, below.
Vincent Bousserez’s Plastic Life series of photos puts tiny figurines against normal-sized human implements—ashtrays, door pulls, etc.—and, as above, body parts. As the micros apparently contemplate their environments, and the impossibilities of the obstacles they face, they render wry, albeit silent, commentaries on the futility of the human condition. I dunno, but there’s something about the sight of three men, determinedly working to reach the pinnacle of a female breast, that seems sum up everything.