She’s a Very Freaky Girl.

Woman in flannel shirt

How did this woman, above, obtain that plaid flannel shirt? After studying the Movie Reality page, one of the web’s best compilations of film clichés, I think I know: Cheap and frequent loose sex.

How do I know that? I carefully analyzed the image’s details, after reviewing notes from, “At Least 150 Things You Would Never Know if Not for Television and the Big Screen,” below. It’s all the stuff you’ve seen on-screen that never happens to you. Wouldn’t it be great if real life were this neat?

In the movies, or on TV:

• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Murky or clear, these dreams always have great personal significance.

• After a night of lovemaking, when a man’s new girlfriend finds herself in his unfamiliar home, a flannel shirt will always be available. No matter the boyfriend’s stature, this flannel shirt will be large enough to fit a hefty lumberjack. She’ll wear it as she rummages through his kitchen the next morning, but there won’t be anything to cover her legs.

• Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident. If these events involve a summer camp, the camp counselors are doomed for sure. (And they will hardly be missed.)

• When men drink hard liquor, it is always from a shot glass, and in one gulp. Wimps will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. Macho guys only wince, then flash clenched teeth.

• After an intense firefight, when a car gets so shot up its windshield looks like Swiss cheese, the rear window always looks pristine. (The bullets will either vanish or reload themselves.)

• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Even so, the detective can only solve the case after he’s been suspended from duty.

• Plain or ugly girls can become strikingly beautiful, simply by removing their glasses (and perhaps, braces), then unpinning their hair.

• Escaping prisoners, when they’ve knocked a guard unconscious, never think to take his gun with them — even though they’re going to need it desperately five minutes later. But if the hero takes his uniform, it always fits perfectly. (Unless they’re both women, in which case the heroine’s “borrowed” clothing will be tight and revealing.)

• All grocery shopping bags contain a stick of French bread. However, when said bags break, only fruit spills out.

• If you are ever knocked ‘out of phase’ with our dimensional reality (or die and become a ghost), you’ll be invisible and effectively silent, and able to walk through walls — but you won’t fall through the floor, and your buttocks will stay in a chair.

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1 comment so far ↓

#1 Paul Carlson on 01.14.09 at 12:18 am

Dear Mr. Allen,
Glad you enjoyed our Movie Reality page. Your take on that model is hilarious!!!
We’ve got some serious literary and informational projects going on, but that one was just for fun.
Of course many of the ‘points’ are extant, but our W2P crew and friends dreamed of dozens of new ones.

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