Best. Dumb. Metal. Song. Ever.

One uncomfortable dolphin
Against nature: Children of the Unicorn’s idea of a hybrid

When it comes to hard rock with a so-bad-it’s-funny edge, Spinal Tap‘s David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel, and Derek Smalls clearly broke the mold years ago. Couplets like these, from “Hell Hole”…

I rode the jetstream, I hit the top
I’m eating steak and lobster tails
The sauna’s drafty, the pool’s too hot
The kitchen stinks of boiling snails

…reach a stupid-is-as-stupid-takes-itself-too-seriously level that is rarely exceeded in pop music.

But Children of the Unicorn—Phil Costello, Dave Hill, Patrick Quade, Joel Frost, and Szuf Daddy—may be closing in.

I knew they were onto something when I saw their cross-speciating logo, above. Still, that was before I followed the yellow brick road to the Unicorn’s MySpace page, and got a taste of COTU’s eponymous album’s lead single, “Night Shark,” a ditty I must have then played seven or eight times in a row, filling the MEDIA ASSASSIN home with peals of tear-soaked laughter. Have some chum:

I like it fresh and I like it raw
I like your dress, I’m licking my jaws
I’m on the hunt, I strike after dark
Watch out cuz I’m on the attack like a shark

Night shark
In the dead of the night, night shark
I’m tearing you apart
Night shark
In the dead of the night, night shark
A shark in the night!


1 comment so far ↓

#1 Thomas on 04.10.08 at 3:06 pm

More about COTU from a recent Village Voice article:

Last year, [Jake “Szuf Daddy”] Szufnarowski joined Tragedy, a heavy-metal Bee Gees tribute, playing cowbell and tambourine while acting as lead hype-man. When Tragedy leader Phil Costello discovered Szufnarowski’s newest tattoo—a unicorn fucking a dolphin in front of a rainbow, which serves as the Rocks Off logo—he invited the promoter to join his already-named all-originals outfit, Children of the Unicorn, who are something like a heavy-metal Bee Gees tribute without the Bee Gees songs. At a Mercury Lounge gig in January marking the release of the Unicorns’ self-titled debut, Szufnarowski appeared first in a shirt that read “My other ride is a unicorn.” Stripping, he revealed successive layers of clothing with slogans that included “I [Heart] Dick” and “Dolphins are gay sharks.” During the 40-minute set, he humped the stage, a floor tom, a tambourine, and—after he ripped his pants off—his cowbell.

Wow. If that’s not dedication to one’s craft, I don’t know what is.

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